FROM BOY-LOVE TO FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN
BY WOLF VOGEL
This is the fourteenth chapter of Secret Love: Eros between Boy and Man (2022), an anonymous translation of Wolf Vogel’s Heimliche Liebe: Eros zwischen Knabe und Mann (Hamburg: John & Ernst, 1997).
Bjorn is 32 years old and a tradesmen. Jan is 45 years old and a social worker. Both reside in a large, north German city. Bjorn has been married for seven years; Jan is single. During a stroll, the two recounted how their earlier man-boy relationship evolved into a friendship between men, which also includes eroticism.
When Bjorn was ten years old, Jan—as part of his training—started working at a youth center which Bjorn and his three older brothers had been frequenting for some time. Jan took up this position with the ardor of a newly-minted social worker, his head full of revolutionary ideas. The boys and girls who visited the youth center on a daily basis liked his inventiveness; Jan soon became a grown-up friend to Bjorn and some of his similar-age friends.
The conversations between Bjorn and the social worker soon turned to the subject of sexuality. The boy tried to get a rise out of the adult by asking questions about certain sexual practices, which he’d become acquainted with via stories and forbidden films. But these signals weren’t getting through to Jan. So, the boy resorted to more drastic measures. He began to imitate select sexual practices, laughed at Jan’s embarrassment, and frankly recounted which forms of sexual activity he himself had already tried out. Jan restrained himself, neither rebuking him nor egging him on.
A good year later, when Bjorn was 11 ½ years old, Jan came across the boy by the river which runs through the city. They sat down together on the riverbank and started chatting. Bjorn soon brought up the merits of his manliness once again, which he attempted to explain to Jan using a little stick as an example. By way of confirmation, he guided Jan’s hand to the part of his body which he was emphasizing so much. At the same time, he said, in a tone of pretend seriousness: “But mine is much bigger than yours.” A direct comparison failed to materialize, because Jan pointed out that they might be interrupted by a passer-by.
Some weeks later, during the summer recess, Jan was doing some renovation work at the youth center. Bjorn saw the social worker’s car parked at the front door, and started knocking loudly in a bid to be allowed in. The adult did in fact let the boy—who had sought seclusion behind the door—in.
When Bjorn saw the adult fiddling with a ruler, he pulled his pants down, and said to Jan: “Now, check how big it is.” To his utter astonishment, Jan determined that the boy’s bodily development was that of a fourteen-year-old. Through the boy’s initiative, sexual contact occurred between the two, in the course of which Bjorn laid down on his stomach, and asked the adult to penetrate him.
Jan, quite scared and distraught, broke off the sex-play. Thrown a bit off-balance, the boy asks the man: “Why don’t you want to have me?” Only a few days later would the social worker be in a position to explain that he would he very happy indeed to have him, but that, under no circumstances did he want to hurt him. A year later, the form of sexual contact that Bjorn had asked for finally came to pass. The desire for such encounters stayed with the boy into his adult years.
Bjorn truly fell in love with Jan. It was the first experience of this kind for both of them. Bjorn cannot recall engaging in sexual play of any sort prior to the age of ten; however, he does remember that at the age of 13, he was approached by another adult, who expressed explicit erotic desires. Bjorn, who was extremely incensed at this suggestion, road his bicycle to Jan’s home around noon on a Sunday, in order to describe his complete indignation over this stranger’s indecent suggestion. Jan had trouble calming the boy down, who was taking off his clothes even as he was providing his account, and laying himself out on Jan’s bed in preparation for intimate contact.
The relationship between the two remained secret, both from the other visitors to the youth center as well as Bjorn’s parents. Although the parents did not know the social worker personally, they probably were familiar with his name, since Bjorn often talked about the “new” person in his life.
Bjorn remembers one time when his mother—following one of her son’s portrayals of Jan—grumbled, with a hint of jealousy: “All I ever hear about in this house is Jan. If it goes on like this, the best thing for you to do would be to just take your bed and move in with him.” Bjorn said that he would have done precisely that straight away, if his mother’s words had been meant seriously.
All the same, Bjorn’s enthusiasm for him did have its occasional advantages. When he was 13 years old, his teacher complained to his parents regarding some or other typical boyish prank. The very strict father threatened to give his son a good thrashing. In his time of need, Bjorn turned to Jan. The social worker paid the parents a “happenstance” visit. The parents were pleased to finally be able to get personally acquainted with this “hero” their son had been raving about, and put some coffee on. They chatted about the weather and such-like until, finally, Jan rather off-handedly inquired about Bjorn’s academic performance. The father flew into a rage, indicating that the next time his son was guilty of some misdeed, he would get a proper thrashing. The social worker patiently tried to calm the parents down, and urged them to avoid attaching too much importance to puberty-related pranks. The father eventually did calm down, and when Bjorn—likewise by “happenstance”—re-entered the home a short time later, the initial anger had almost completely subsided. Although the boy did have to go straight to his room, and was not allowed to remain with the adults, further punishments failed to materialize.
The friendship between Bjorn and Jan remains undiminished. They continue to have sexual contact on a regular basis, which is also experienced by both as pleasurable. These contacts also continued following Bjorn’s first sexual experiences with a girl, at the age of fifteen. Bjorn cannot envision ever having sex with any other man. On the other hand, he did not give up these contacts with Jan upon getting married. And he also does not ever want to give up having sex with Jan—21 years following the first erotic encounter with the social worker.
When Bjorn is asked what is appealing to him about this sexual relationship with a man—i.e., what he gets from Jan that he is unable to have in his marriage—Bjorn points to particular sexual practices which are only possible between men. And he says that he frequently simply has the desire to be able to passively enjoy eroticism in a relaxed way, whereas, with his wife—as per her own wishes—he is happy to play the active role.
Of course, the man-boy relationship between Bjorn and Jan, which eventually transitioned into an erotic friendship between two men, has involved more than just sex, even if it is true that physical desire was the driving force behind the relationship, as both freely acknowledge. Jan helped Bjorn to finish school with pretty good marks, assisted him in his search for an apprenticeship and with the age-typical love-sickness brought about by girlfriends during Bjorn’s puberty. Bjorn has not spoken about any marital problems with Jan, should there by any. The social worker has remained a steadfast friend all this time: rescuer in his times of sexual need and helper with career concerns, as Bjorn puts it. Jen is happy to play these roles. He’s glad that Bjorn has enjoyed having sex with him, in the past as well as the present. Also, he has never demanded that Bjorn be his partner in other areas of life. Sometimes, the two arrange to get together for intimate contact several times per week; other times, they don’t see each other at all in that span. It’s a confluence of interests that costs nothing, Jan says.
When Bjorn was asked whether he felt harmed, in terms of his development, by having sex with an adult at a young age, he laughed spontaneously and at the top of his voice. He could not understand such a question. He sees sex between two people—when it takes place in a responsible way, involving mutual respect—as something completely natural. If he were compelled to go along with the whole notion of ‘seduction,’ he would insist that the actual ‘seducer’ was himself. This is basically what he still is today, he affirms, because he calls Jan up when he wants sex, not the other way around. He’s not afraid of infectious diseases because he leads an absolutely monogamous life, as he puts it. Just with his wife and, now and again, with Jan. He’s neither had, nor wishes to have, any other intimate contacts. And if Jan were to suddenly move to a different city? Bjorn was at something of a loss as to how to respond top this question. “There would be no replacement. Jan is Jan. He’s one-of-a-kind.”
Neither his wife nor his parents know anything about his relationship with Jan. Why should they, Bjorn asks. Then, isn’t his relationship with Jan rather unusual? Bjorn squares up his shoulders at this question: “What’s so unusual about it? This sort of thing is common, surely.” He’d had—he adds—as a boy the sense that others the same age as him would’ve had similar experiences.